In Awe

Have you ever doubted God?

Have you ever doubted His plans for you?

Have you ever felt that your future looks so dim?

Have you been rejected so many times that all you expect in life is more rejection?

Have you ever lost hope that you think God has maybe forgotten about you?

Have you ever felt so rejected that you doubt the very purpose you were created for?

Have you ever felt so small and un-belonged to this world?

Well, that was how i felt when I was constantly rejected for internships and jobs for the past 3 years. Interviews after interviews, I was constantly rejected. I didn't get it, I had great leadership experiences and I had good grades. Then, when I took the GRE, I didn't do as amazing as I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I did pretty alright. When I applied to PhD program here at the U of A, I was rejected. It was rejection after rejection. Not to mention the social pressure I face daily, trying to be apart and different from others is not an easy task. I has never been easy to face the world, knowing that I can't fit into the very mold our society has set for each and every one of us. And I probably will never be like every other girls out there. I should be proud to be just me, many wonder how I can stay so strong at times, but what people don't see is I am not as strong as I look. There are times when I started believing in the lies of the world. Until one day, during my Bible study with Jac, God told me to stop depending on my own strength..I have to let Him take control. Those who know me, knows that I like being in control.

When God didn't answer my prayers for internship and jobs, I started taking things into my own hands. I tried to fit in, and failed. I tried massive job applications. Failed. I tried networking on my own. Failed. Well, you can tell, when I depended on me, I failed. I was getting angry and upset that the world kept rejecting me. Then, I read:

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also."

-John 15:18-20


Last month, I started to do my devotion and prayer consistently in the morning. Sometimes, I pray whenever I can. Sometimes, just in the morning. It's amazing how God works in my life when I decided to let God take control in my life. Since then, I have now been accepted to 2 schools for Masters in Economic. I'm still waiting to hear back from 2 other schools, but I am in awe! 2 schools said yes to me when I expected rejection..BEFORE EASTER! I am jumping with joy and beaming..I'm so excited to share my testimony with everyone, and to tell everyone that if you trust in God with all you heart, soul and mind, HE will never fail to amaze you!

I should never have doubted God. Looking back, I had NO reason to doubt Him! He provided me with the best primary school where I learned a lot! He provided me with the best secondary school in the whole country. He provided me with friends who stuck by me, who didn't mind me being different, to look out for me. Even my most notorious friends (not your average skip school kind of notorious, I do mean big time bad influence) looked out for me , esp in bad neighborhoods, as if God Himself was there to look out for me. Oh, and not to forget the Malay bus conductors who would personally check on me on the bus to see if I was ok and not let any weird person sit next to me. He provided me shelter and protection during my 3 months in NS. He provided me with help throughout A-Levels. He provided me a way to study in the US and had allowed random strangers to be right beside me to help me through my journey alone. He provided a great and amazing Christian family to welcome me into this new country in every way possible. He provided me the best roommate I ever had and she is now my best friend. He provided me a way to influence others through leadership. He provided me a bunch of friends to welcome me at Holcombe Hall when I first step to campus, who immediately introduced every single new international student to me. (I do mean EVERY!) He provided me with a close circle of Malaysians who are also Christians to help guide me. He provided me with all the strength and protection I needed to grow. He provided me with my few best best best friends that I met the very first day I arrived, who made sure I was healthy, alive and I had fun! I could just go on and on about how much He had blessed me, but He had provided EVERYTHING for me. So, I never had much of a reason to doubt, because HE had seen me through everything. I never should have doubted and I will try my best to never to doubt HIM again. Trust God..trust that HE has a plan for you..no matter if you have a talent or just an Average Jane like me! You'll be amazed of what He has in store for you.

Listen to this song, and it's amazing!